Joke of the Day

randy56

President Biden was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.



“Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I’ve just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week.”

Biden: “Oh no! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We’ll be ruined. We’ll have to ship condoms in from Mexico.”

Telephone voice says, “Bad idea… The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We’ll be a laughing stock. What about Canada?”

Biden: “Alright, I’ll call Justin and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches wide. That way, they’ll continue to respect us as Americans.”

Three days later, a delighted President Biden ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches wide, exactly as requested… All colored with red maple leaves and in small writing saying: ‘Made In Canada / Size: Small.’

RiverRat232

randy56

Let's move on to corn dogs

mattie

Willhound

RiverRat232

My wife screams during sex. But it's usually when I walk in on her.

randy56

Since we have a few pilot's here ya go

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline.In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

randy56

mattie

Willhound

A Diner Quickie 

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, “What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?”

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE.'”

randy56

randy56

randy56

This guy goes to a bar and meets a woman and they hit it off. As he feels he is all that and way better than sliced bread, he suggests they go somewhere more comfortable. She agrees and suggests her place. He's on that like white on rice, and off they go.

They arrive and she asks him to come in, brushing a hand down his back. He's thinking, oh, yeah, lets go. They look at each other and she just leads him to her bedroom and sits him on the bed. He thinks, “Straight to the bed, no drinks or anything! I know I got it!!” She excuses herself to freshen up.

He sits down on the bed then notices the wall across the room at the end of the bed. Covering the wall are shelves and shelves, all full of stuffed animals. Giant stuffed bears, pandas, cats, dogs on the top shelves, smaller stuffed animals on the middle shelves and little tiny toys along the bottom shelf. “Hmm,” he thinks, a big grin plastering his face, “Maybe she's got a serious kink for stuffed animals . . . who knows what’ll happen tonight?”

She comes out and she is smoking hot, and he's hot too, so they get down to action. He’s working it good, pulling all his best moves, floating like a butter fly and stinging like a bee, you name it, he's doing it. He feels he’s never been so good with a woman, he knows he has never been better.

After they’re finished they’re both laying back on the bed. He rolls towards her and with a smirk says, “ Well, how’d you like it?”

She looks at him, waves towards the wall of toys and says, “Pick any animal off the bottom shelf. . . “

randy56

RiverRat232

Years ago, my wife and I decided to quit smoking by only having a smoke after sex. I have had the same pack since 1985. She is up to a pack a day.

Willhound

Funny..... But also sadly true these days ...

raybo3

OK so I might take some heat for this one but I thought it was too funny not to post.

randy56

Here ya go

https://imgur.com/1JuRENp 

LaRea

Haha -- and I literally shot a 16-gauge finish nail through my thumb this weekend, complete with an exit wound.  Should have used his method.  

randy56

@LaRea, That's not a fun day, did it once, with a 1 inch 16 gauge. Hurt's when the doc gave the shot in the finger. We ended up pushing it out backwards. 

Ian

Ever stuck a garden fork through your big toe? Doesn’t hurt as much as you’d think…

LaRea

No, but I did cut one of my toes almost completely off.  That hurts as much as you'd think.  

Lake_Bum

Lake_Bum

RiverRat232

Willhound

LaRea

Late to the game!  The Admiral and I did that one in 1990.  I had pumpkin seeds glued all over my face.

randy56

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.

She raised her arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit. As she pointed to the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the regulars tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the bar and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured a drink and the woman chugged it down. Finishing, she turned to the regulars and again pointed around at them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked again, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Again, the owl-eyed drunk slapped his money on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender pours the drink as before.

The same thing happens a third time. The large lady raises her arm and asks, the drunk calls to give the ballerina a drink.

After the third time the bartender approached the drunk and said, "Tell me Paddy--it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Any woman that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina!

randy56

MarkB

randy56 said:

Yeah, let's not even talk about hot dogs ... lol.