Joke of the Day

Handymans342

Good one Randy

Dream_Inn

Well, my wife doesn't complain too much about it because she'll hear others at the dock talk about how much it cost to have the mechanic fix things.  (I'll look at her during those talks and then later remind her).  Only problems sometimes she has is if I stay at the docks too long on the weekend and end up working on too many other boats instead of going out on ours.  So, I think #5 on gacks list for me could be tinkering on boat.

Michael T

My Admiral just laughs.....geez I don't even have a boat anymore yet alone a Rinker. Although was out on the Waverunner today for a couple of hours, hot, light breeze, slight ripple on the water - had it up to 50 mph - man is that fast when you are that close to the water - and there was lots of throttle left. Friend with identical machine had his up to 60 yesterday - too fast for me LOL. 

Handymans342

Guy goes into a bar where all the bartenders are robots. The Guy sits down at the bar and the robot asks what will you have? The guy replies Whiskey. The robot brings back his drink and asks whats your IQ? The guy says 168. Then the robot starts talking about physics, exploration, and Medical Technology. After the Guy leaves he thinks about What just happened and goes back in the bar. The robot asks whats your drink. The Guy says whiskey. The robot asks his IQ again and the guy says 100. Well the robot starts talking about NASCAR, Budwieser, LSU, and wrestling. The Guy is so interested he leaves and comes back again. The robot asks what he drinks. The guy says whiskey .The robot asks whats your IQ and the guy says 50. Well this time the robot leans in real close and says: Havent you people got over the fact that Hillary lost yet??

randy56

Sailing to Italy…

 

A Young New York City woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Hudson River.  Just before she could throw herself from the bridge, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain said.

Her conscience got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain.

"This is the Staten Island  Ferry."

Handymans342

That was epic Randy .Hahahahhahaha

Ian

Too funny.

Michael T

Really good Randy!

randy56

Fella gets up early every Sunday morning to go fishing. Today was horrible weather - couldn't get his dog to come outside. Tarp blew off the boat and across the yard. Horizontal rain got him soaked and he hadn't left yet.

He gave up, went back in, got in bed behind his wife, and said "weather's horrible out there". She said "I know - can you believe my husband's fishing in this?"

pistole

boatman37

lol. good one

Autodog61

I'm a dog person so -

How to clean a Head

1.  Put both lids on toilet seat up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl,

2.  Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the head,

3.  In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids,

4.  The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5.  Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a "power wash and rinse"

6.  Have someone open the cabin door of the cuddy.  Be sure that there is no people between the head and the cabin door,

7. Stand behind the head as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids,

8.  The cat will rocket out of the head, streak through the cabin, and run outside to the dock where he will dry himself off. 

9.  Both the head and the cat will be sparkling clean.

sincerely........................The DOG.

 

randy56

I was laughing out loud, my wife said what is wrong with you, Funny

reneechris14

Self agitating Lol
Sparkling clean Lol

Ian

I was laughing so much the admiral couldn’t understand me reading it out.

randy56

rasbury

So I was driving to work when the dreaded blue lights came on. The officer ask me why I was going so fast. I said a little gruffly I was just trying to keep up with traffic. He looked around and said there aren't any other cars around. I said I know, see how far behind I am?!

raybo3

A blonde and a brunette are driving in a car when the brunette says "I hear Christmas is on a Friday this year"  the blonde replies I hope it's not on the 13th............ 

rasbury

So, the blond takes her car into the shop in tears, car running badly and she owes to much money on her car to trade it because the miles are tanked on it. So the mechanic trying to help her out says to her " I'll get it running ok and we will turn the odometer back so you can trade out of it and get a new car" So, couple of weeks later he sees her driving the car and asks why she did not get rid of the car. Her reply was, "why should I , it only has 40000 miles on it!"

Are blond jokes politically correct any more?

LaRea

As I sat alone at the bar, a beautiful young woman in a low-cut dress and stiletto heels sat down next to me.  "Baby," she said in a silky voice, "for one hundred dollars, I will do anything that you can say in three words." 

I thought about it for only a moment before replying "winterize my boat."

Ian

Childbirth at 75

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 75-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM  O.K.?!!'

Black_Diamond

Holiday advice. 

randy56

Wife texts husband: Windows frozen - won't open.

Husband texts back: Pour hot water around edges, then tap with hammer.




10 minutes pass. . . .

Wife texts husband: Computer REALLY messed up NOW!

Willhound

An oldie but a goodie.

Guy walks into a bar and says "Guess what guys? I got a new boat for the wife!

Old drunk in the corner looks up and says "Nice trade!

randy56

Mean while some where in Canada

randy56

Willhound

randy56

Is the bottom bolt big enough?????

rasbury

Good ones!

Michael T

@Willhound - do you know where that guy is today?