Joke of the Day

randy56

Hear about the guy who got a hit of Viagra stuck in this throat?
He ended up with a stiff neck!

raybo3

What is the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?????????


A guy will spend all day looking for a golf ball.................... 

Willhound

Michael T said:

@Willhound - do you know where that guy is today?

Probably 6 feet under! 

randy56

A watermelon farmer noticed almost every morning several of his melons had been picked the night before, probably by kids. He checked out the fencing around his field and found where it appeared they had been getting into the field. Thinking a clever warning would stop the theft he posted a sign on the fence which read, "One of these watermelons is poisoned."

The next morning he checked the field and found his sign had been changed to read, "Two of these watermelons are poisoned."

rasbury

That's pretty good Randy...

Ian

So as they are lowering the ‘deceased’ parking inspector into the hole, there’s a commotion from the casket and a yell “Let me out” and “I am not dead”. To which the priest replies “too late buddy, the paperwork’s been done”

reneechris14

Ticket has already been written tell it to the judge.

randy56

I went to visit the house I grew up in yesterday.
Rung the doorbell and asked if I could take a look around just before the door got slammed in my face.
My parents are really nasty.

When I was a kid I could go to the store with one dollar and come back with three Zero candy bars, two bags of chips, a soda, a box of cupcakes and a couple of t-bones. Now they have those dang cameras everywhere.

Handymans342

randy56 said:

I went to visit the house I grew up in yesterday.
Rung the doorbell and asked if I could take a look around just before the door got slammed in my face.
My parents are really nasty.

When I was a kid I could go to the store with one dollar and come back with three Zero candy bars, two bags of chips, a soda, a box of cupcakes and a couple of t-bones. Now they have those dang cameras everywhere.

You can do that in Key West

Ian

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" 

The girl replied, in a loud voice: "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: 

"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?" 

The man responded in a loud voice: "250 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING THAT MUCH!" 

 

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

 

The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

randy56

Good one icoultha I was laughing out loud.

@Handymans342 looking forward to Key west trip, except just got the bill for hotel and plane tickets.

Dream_Inn

randy56 said: no

Good one icoultha I was laughing out loud.

@Handymans342 looking forward to Key west trip, except just got the bill for hotel and plane tickets.

It's quite nice today in Jamaica!  Especially when I know my kids are at home getting ready to snow blow the driveway!

Handymans342

Dream, what resort are you in?

Dream_Inn

Handymans342 said:

Dream, what resort are you in?

At the holiday inn sunspree in Montego bay.  Pretty nice, especially for the price.  It's our first time doing all inclusive.

Dream_Inn

The view right now

Handymans342

Dream_Inn said:

The view right now

No pic attached

Dream_Inn

the wifi is bit tougher out on this little island off the resort.

Handymans342

Looks like my backyard

raybo3

Ian

Too funny

randy56

 Teamwork

http://www.deansmiley.com/Files/Teamwork Building.MP4

Handymans342

@raybo3, did you catch Sylvia packing a suitcase? Bababahahahahha

raybo3

Handymans342

Good one

Ian

You under estimated the number of idiots in Washington.....

MarkB

Married couple runs out of milk, and wife asks husband to go out and get some.

He walks over to the convenience store and gets some milk.

On the way home, he sees the pub and thinks "Why not, one drink."

As he is having his beer, a beautiful woman sits next to him and starts talking.

They hit it off so well, she invites him back to her place and they do the dirty deed.

He falls asleep and wakes up several hours later.

Realizing he's been out for 4 hours to "get milk" ... he knows his wife is going to freak.

He asks the woman, "Quick, get me some baby powder". Sprinkles it over his hands.

He gets home, and his wife is waiting at the door, not impressed.

"Where have you been!!!"

"Honey, on the way home, I stopped at the pub, had a drink, a hot woman sat beside me, we got chatting, hit it off, went to her place, had sex and I accidentally fell asleep!"

She looks at his hands and notices the white powder and replies, "You friggin liar! You've gone bowling again, haven't you?!?"

Lake_Bum

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

   COLD BEER: $5.00

   HAMBURGER: $10.00

   CHEESEBURGER: $15.50

   CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50

   HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.  She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.  “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"

The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”  She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs,  “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear

says softly:  “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

Glassguy54

Joe is alerted to the urgent ringing of his doorbell.

He answers the door, and standing there is the smoking hot babe who lives next door.

She says, " I've had an awful day. All I want to do now is get drunk and have sex all night long. Are you doing anything tonight?"

Joe says, "Nope. I've got no plans at all."

She says, "Great!!! Can you watch my dog?"

Michael T

.....best joke yet - @Dream_Inn is in Jamaica and thinks his kids are using the snowblower. The rest of us know exactly what his kids are doing.  I'm in the Turks and Caicos my kids are at their own homes and I couldn't care less what they are doing as they don't have a key to my place LOL.

Dream_Inn

Michael T said:

.....best joke yet - @Dream_Inn is in Jamaica and thinks his kids are using the snowblower. The rest of us know exactly what his kids are doing.  I'm in the Turks and Caicos my kids are at their own homes and I couldn't care less what they are doing as they don't have a key to my place LOL.

well, they actually did use the snow blower(after 8inches, my son did both neighbors as well) Been very fortunate with decent kids growing up staying out of trouble thus far. I feel it has a lot to do with the great boaters we hang out with that are like family. One couple took them out for a movie and dinner over the weekend.

Hope you are enjoying T/C as much as we are in Jamaica!