Joke of the Day

raybo3

Handymans342

When Brady retires its over

Dream_Inn

raybo3 said:

Well, at least it's under the appropriate topic...I'll leave it at that.

Michael T

Shawn, the moral of your story is.....always keep your children on the payroll

Ian

Or lock the door...

randy56

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. 

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there "WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!"

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... Walked home... and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank!)

GMSLITHO

This guy wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale"

raybo3

randy56

Handymans342

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

GMSLITHO

German coast guard 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9wJxZc2KF8

Ian

I don't follow the football but found this article buried.....

Los Angeles, CA

Anthrax Scare At Rams Superbowl practice.

LA Rams football practice was delayed nearly two hours recently after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head Coach Sean McVay immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.

Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

randy56

Small change

A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!”

The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”

The sailor replies, “Well, you’d drink that fast too, if you had what I have.”

The bartender says, “Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?”

“Fifty cents!” replied the sailor.

raybo3

Glassguy54

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm. He hoists the gator up onto the bar and announces to the astonished bar patrons,

 "I've got a deal for all of you. I'll open this alligators mouth and then I will place my genitals inside and the alligator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I shall remove my genitals, unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd roars their approval and the man drops trou and places his junk in the gators mouth. After a minute the man grabs a beer bottle and raps it **** the alligator's scull and the gator opens his mouth and the man removes his package with out so much as a scratch, as promised. The crowd cheers and the man receives the first of his free drinks.

The man stands up again and makes another offer.

"I'll pay anyone one hundred dollars who is willing to give it a try."

A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later a hand goes up in the back of the bar.

"I'll try," says a small woman, " but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Glassguy54

-raps it SMARTLY ON TOP OF -

rasbury

Those are some good jokes! Keep them coming!

LaRea

But seriously, only one per day.  Don't be posting four and five jokes in the same day.  I need my morning hit of one joke per day!

Ian

One only? Not one each?

randy56

Dream_Inn

So, so true Randy!  I was on the boat all day this past Friday!  Actually cleaning all the small bilge areas under the berths in the cabin.  Then wiped down the teak floor, cleaned the walls and ceiling with 303.  For those from the Pittsburgh and Ohio area, I used Milsek every year on my teak floors.  Love the stuff!  (yes, I grew up in Ohio on the stuff and have to order it online to get it).

Ian

Luckily mine is inside but a warm day (50F) last week had me down at the bunker to do a few things - just to look at her was enough! With 6=9 coming from tomorrow I'm glad she's indoors.

Ian

Here you go @LaRea:

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous buxom brunette walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Sir, did

you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, horrible, corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him.

"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.

"May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"

Willhound

I was at a nudist colony once. The most popular guy could carry two cups of coffee AND a dozen donuts. The most popular girl could eat the last donut......

Glassguy54

A guy moves to a new town and checks out a local watering hole. On the bar is a big jar stuffed with ten dollar bills. The guy asks the bartender, "What's the deal with the jar full of tens?" 

The bartender says, "That's kind of a contest we've been running here lately. If you fulfill 3 requirements, you can claim the jackpot. It's up to about $2,000.00"

The man asks, " What are the three requirements?"

Bartender: "First, you have to chug down 10 ounces of Habanero infused Tequila, with out making any kind of a face, then out back we have a Pit Bull with a bad tooth that you have to take out with your bare hands, and lastly, we have an eighty year old woman upstairs who has never experienced an orgasm, so you'll have to ring her bell."

Guy: "Well heII, here's my ten bucks. I'm willing to give it a go. But first I think I better have a few shots of Bourbon to bolster my courage, so set em up."

The bartender puts a half dozen shot glasses full of bourbon in front of the guy who starts to knock 'em back. After he finishes the last one he says, "Aw right, whersch zat Tequila?" 

The bartender gives the guy the tequila and he chugs it down, tears streaming down his cheeks, but nary a grimace.  Then he goes out back and all **** breaks loose with angry barking, snarling, growling and screaming and scuffling.

The guy comes back in the bar covered with bite marks and scratches, bleeding and clothes torn to shreds.

He says to the bartender, "Now whersch at ol' lady widda bad tooth?"

Handymans342

What did the blind guy say when he passed the fish market???

randy56

cannot say what he thought smelled on here. LOL

randy56

mornin joke @LaRea

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two a$$es come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two ****, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, cool  down lady," said the man.

"Who's talkin' abouta sex? I'm a just tellin' my friend how to spell 'Mississippi'."

Handymans342

Handymans342 said:

What did the blind guy say when he passed the fish market???

Good morning ladies!! LOL

randy56

I was sitting in my truck at Walmart... 

watching this guy who apparently forgot where he parked. He kept putting his remote in the air and every time he squeezed it...
I honked my horn.