Joke of the Day

reneechris14

Laughed so hard I'm crying in my coffee.

Ian

randy56 said:

I was sitting in my truck at Walmart... 

watching this guy who apparently forgot where he parked. He kept putting his remote in the air and every time he squeezed it...
I honked my horn.

Cruel ba$**** 

Ian

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,

"What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f*cking cat."

raybo3

Ian

If only.....but much much smaller.

randy56

Lobster tail beer and boats are four of my.... 

favorite things! 

randy56

 Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat 

fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months." Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over ..women like that are hard to find."

rasbury

Got that right bubba...

bry1429

So, I'm at the beach and I notice this guy talking to a beautiful lady half his age, after a few minutes they leave together. The next weekend I see the same guy, I say to him; what's your secret to pulling in these hot young ladies? He says; you have to stuff a  Potato In your speedo and they will follow you home. So, the next weekend I stuff a potato in my speedo and I approach a beauty,  she snarls at me,  picks up her towel and runs far away. I stepped over to the guy that gave me the potato advice; hey dude I did what you said and the ladies are not one bit interested in me !!!!!
He looked me up and down and says "you have to put the potato in the front" !!!!!

Ian

That was a good one.

GMSLITHO

One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. 

"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this? 

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque. 

Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?" 

GMSLITHO

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamid raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied, "$hit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

Glassguy54

A guy walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers and the guy proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says,

"Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The guy says,

"You don't understand. You see, I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, We'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have their three beers too, and we're drinking together. We may be separated by distance, but we are together in spirit."

The bartender thinks its a wonderful tradition and every Saturday night, he sets up the guys beers. Then one week the man comes in and orders just two beers.

The bartender says,

"Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to say I'm very sorry for the loss of one of your brothers. You must be devastated."

The guy says,

"Oh, my brothers are fine. I just decided to give up drinking."

randy56

raybo3

I am probably going to catch heII for posting this but thought it was funny...

Ian

  

LaRea

Hey, as long as it's okay with the moderator ...

Ian

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends  $50,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the sales clerk, 

"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," the clerk replies. 

"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily. 

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question. 

She replies, "I'd guess about 29". 

The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." 

Now she is feeling really good about herself. Then while waiting for the bus home, she asks a nice older man the same question. 

He replies, "I'm 68 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then I can tell exactly how old 

you are." 

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the ****, go ahead." 

The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel around. 

After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?" 

He removes his hands and says, "You are 47." 

Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?" 

The old man replies with a satisfied smile, "I was standing behind you at McDonalds." 

rasbury

  

raybo3

rasbury

that might be all of us way to soon!

Lake_Bum

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

raybo3

Lol

Lake_Bum

randy56

All-way's got to watch out for the right hook

randy56

Morning fun! True story.                                                   4/1/2019

So my wife is a school teacher, fairly organized. Leaves the house about 6:45. Just before she was to leave. I said to her: hey baby, I need you to add something to the grocery list next time you make a run to the store. Being in a hurry to get in the car and go. She stopped got her grocery app. on her phone out. 

Her: what do you need?
Me: left handed toilet paper
Her : What?
Me: It works better than Right handed
Her: Hugh?
Me :It's on sale right now 
Her: Ahh how can it be better?
Me : April FOOLS

Lake_Bum

Senior Sex -- 

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having

sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Ian

   I nearly fell off the elliptic at the gym with that one. One of the best. 

Willhound

Similar story. An older couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and over breakfast the wife says "Remember when we were on our honeymoon and we had breakfast in the nude? And how much fun we had after breakfast?
"Sure", he says.
Well, she says, for old times sake, why don't we do that now?
So off come the clothes and they resume breakfast.
Ohh, she says, just sitting here like this is making my breasts feel all tingly and warm!!

They should be he says.....they're in your oatmeal!

Handymans342

Oh my