Joke of the Day

Dream_Inn

@lake_bum I actually laughed quite hard out loud!  That one really made my evening!

randy56

Ian

If you can’t breathe, slightly may be an understatement.

randy56

Lake_Bum

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife

ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

GMSLITHO

Pete and Repeat were on a boat, Pete fell off, who's left...

GMSLITHO

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world.

Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.

In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains’ quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines: Port Left, Starboard Right

randy56

1. Listening to Red White and Booze on SirusXM. just rambled off this.

Guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. Bartender says, OK I'll let you stay but don't start anything.



2.Upon returning home late last night the wife remarked "How can you come home half drunk."
"Well I wouldn't have if I didn't run out of money"



3.

GMSLITHO

Stolen Car
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his
hand. A cop on the
beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh!
Sssshomebody ssshtole
my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last
time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if
a bit too literally. About
this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being
exhibited for all the
world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are
exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH
GOD . . . they
got my girlfriend too!!!" 

randy56

randy56

rasbury

Img don't work?

randy56

It came up on mine give it a little time. 

Ian

Not here either since I saw it yesterday 

rasbury

Nope, got nuttin...unless this is the joke?

randy56

Did the first one show up ?or is it the second? 

LaRea

Did you drag and drop the image from an email?  Save it as a file on your desktop, and drag from there.

aero3113

I don't see either one.

Willhound

Fellow goes to the doctor. The pretty young nurse greets him in the office and takes him down to the exam room and says "The Doctor is really busy today so I'll do the pre-exam to save time". The guy stammers out "IT's very personal". Nurse says "Listen, I'm a medical professional, I've seen and heard it all. There's absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about". The guys says, "Well, I have a problem with my "Johnson".
"Well" says the nurse, "drop your pants and let me take a look. Remember, I'm here in a professional capacity".
They guy drops his pants and out comes the tiniest little member the nurse has ever seen!
She can't help but to giggle a bit and can't control it.

The guys is visibly embarrassed and says "I though you said you were a professional"?
Nurse says "I am so, so sorry, I don't know what came over me, please, I want to help, tell me what the issue is"?
They guy says:
It's Swollen!

Handymans342

Still not working Randy

MarkB

A guy goes to see the doctor, and says, "Doc! I want you to look at something."  Doc asks him what it's about.  He says, "It's about my Johnson." Doc asks him to take it out to have a look.  He drops his rods and the doctor looks it over.  Up down, lifting it to take a good look.  Doc says "I can't see anything wrong with it."  Patient replies, "I know, she's a beaut, isn't she!"

Willhound

Back on January 9th, a group of HEII'S ANGELS,

South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378

when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge.

So they stopped.  George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley,

walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper

who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

 “Why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?”

 So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

 After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had!

That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.

Why are you committing suicide?"

 "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

 It’s unclear if she jumped or was pushed.

randy56

Did it come through this time?

aero3113

Yes, it did! Funny!

Handymans342

So true

randy56

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started..

Ian

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat .... He pulls up alongside the woman and says, " Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?"

" Reading a book," she replies, (thinking , "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her ..

" I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

" Yes, but you have all the equipment, for all I know you could start at any moment , I'll have to take you in and write you up."

" For reading a book!" she replies.

" You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.

" I'm sorry, officer, but I'm still not fishing, I'm reading."

" Yes, but you have all the equipment, for all I know you could start at any moment, I'll have to take you in and write you up .."

" If you do that , I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

" But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden ..

" That's true, but you have all the equipment , for all I know you could start at any moment."

" Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MarkB

That is hilarious!

Handymans342

talking dog for sale 



A guy is driving around the back woods of South Carolina and he sees a 
sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:  'Talking Dog For 
Sale. '  He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog 
is in the backyard. 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador 
retriever sitting there. 

'You talk?' he asks. 

'Yep,' the Lab replies. 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 
'So, what's your story?' 

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when 
I was pretty young.  I wanted to help the government, so I told the 
CIA.  In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, 
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured 
a dog would be eavesdropping.' 

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.  But 
the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting 
any younger so I decided to settle down.  I signed up for a job at the 
airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious 
characters and listening in.  I uncovered some incredible dealings and 
was awarded a batch of medals.'  'I got married, had a mess of 
puppies, and now I'm just retired.' 

The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants 
for the dog. 

'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 

'Ten dollars?  This dog is amazing!  Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 

'Because he's a Democrat and a liar.  He never did any of that stuff. 

 

MarkB

LOL