Joke of the Day

Willhound

@randy56 that about sums it up. At least for those of us old enough to have been taught both systems. Oddly enough I gauge temps above freezing in F but below freezing in metric C. I find it easier since it starts at zero and works down. At -40 both C and F are equal and where I originally come from that's at least two months of the year.

Ian

It's worse in the UK where they sell gas by the litre, drive in MPH and measure consumption by MPG.

randy56

@Willhound I had found it a bit confusing on our trip up there. But you helped clear up a lot of the confusion. Thank you. When I ran across this chart above I had to laugh,  that's the way it is.

@icoultha what can you say (Britts)

LaRea

As a scientist, I'm probably more fluent in metric than most Americans.  Why, oh why can't we all just use metric.  

Before you judge someone, you should walk 1.6 km in their shoes.

Willhound

Probably one of the only reasons we aren't "fully" metric is because of our proximity to the U.S. and the huge cross border trade relationship we have. I work in construction materials and I can remember back in the 70's, early 80's when metric sized sheathing etc. came out. Nobody would use it, the trades were all used to working in Imperial. And because a lot of our wood materials are shipped to the U.S. it was also a major hassle.
Everything is now back to Imperial sizes.
When I get a set of drawings for a build take off they will be in Imperial if from an architect, but in Metric if from an engineer. Makes it interesting sometimes spec'ing material. 

rasbury

I remember metic trying to catch on here for a bit late 70's I guess...

Ian

@LaRea as having grown up in Australia I am conversant in both with the mandate in the early seventies to be schooled the metric system, How easier can you get than in multiples of 10?

Willhound

 

PickleRick

My neighbors house was destroyed by a tree falling during a storm a few months ago.  He lost pretty much everything.  Its sad.  Im starting a go fund me for a trip to Hawaii. Construction begins next week and don't want to hear all that nosie all day every day

randy56

PickleRick

I was supposed to be out of town for work all week and got finished early.  I decided i was gonna surprise the little lady, was about midnight when i got home.  When i got there her ex boyfriends truck was in the yard, i snuck around to the back of the house and crawled into my rinker to see what was going on, from the rinker i can see into the back patio windows really well. When i got into my rinker i noticed in the light reflecting off the garage there is some haze forming on the gel coat.  So what would you guys do? I really want to restore this gel coat.

MarkB

Good one. I'd call the Ex Boyfriend out and hand him a polisher.

Willhound

 A fellow was convinced that his wife was cheating on him. He hired a professional tracker/hitman to find out. After following the cheating couple to a cheap motel he could clearly see them through an open curtain.
He calls the husband and says "I'm sorry but I have to confirm your worst fears, they're together in a cheap motel room".
The husband is angry and says "I want you to shoot him in the junk and shoot her in the head!"
Hitman looks through his scope and says
" No problem. I can do that with just one shot!"

Autodog61

Later that same wife was on her way out of town when...….At New York's Kennedy airport, she was discovered to be a public school teacher and was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. 

In his subsequent press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the 58 year-old mother of three from Ithica, NY, is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement.  The FBI is charging her with carrying weapons of math instruction.  "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.  They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.  As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

 When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Ian

That just doesn’t add up....

randy56

 The owner of a drug store walked into his store one day, only to notice a man leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner went over to his staff member behind the counter and asked them, “What’s wrong with that guy over there by the wall?”

The staff member replied, “Oh him – he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find any cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative instead.”

The owner shouted, “You fool! What were you thinking? You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”

The staff member said, “Of course I can. Look at him, he’s not coughed once since I gave it to him – he’s too scared!”

Lake_Bum

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed,

make a doctor's appointment.

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

GMSLITHO

Or the ice cream truck ,that’s great 

Willhound

Not a joke really but funny Ice Cream truck story. When our daughter was much younger we moved into our current house. She was delighted one day to hear the familiar chimes of an ice cream truck coming down the street. She happily took the money I gave her and ran out the door. A minute later she came running back in crying and screams at me "What kind of a place did you move us to Dad?"

I go tearing out to see what's going on.....
An enterprising gentleman had purchased an old ice cream truck for his mobile knife, axe and tool sharpening business. He'd drive around and people would drop off their tools and he'd come back around the following week to drop them off.
The kicker is the pictures of happy clowns all over the truck but beside them he added pictures of knives, axes etc.....

randy56

A six year old boy goes to work with his father on a bring your kid to work day.

After about 30 minutes of arriving the kid starts crying loudly, the whole office gathers around.

The father asks his kid “what’s the matter son?”

The kid replies “where are all the clowns that you say you work with?”

randy56

A fellow died and went to heaven where he was met by St. Peter who welcomed him and invited him in.
As he walked down the hallway with Peter he noted all the clocks hanging on the wall, many still, but occasionally the minute hand on one or another would advance a position and then stop.
The fellow asked St. Peter what was the deal with all the clocks.
Peter replied that each clock represented someone on Earth and this was how they kept track of every time they had a little more fun than the should have according to the rules.
The man noticed then that every clock had a name tag and as he examined them he saw some for people he knew.
After awhile he turned to Peter and said: “I see some for people I know but I can’t find one for my old friend @Willhound .”
St. Peter then replied, “Oh, we keep his in the backroom and use it as a fan!”

Ian

A visiting pro golfer to a country town fancies a game so goes to the local course and seeks out a partner.
"I can play tomorrow but not till 9:00, I may be 30 minutes late though" says Bob. Pro says great, see you then.

9 o'clock comes and Bob arrives with left handed clubs, plays a stunning round and whips the pro. "How about a rematch?"

"Sure, I can play tomorrow but not till 9:00, I may be 30 minutes late though" said Bob. Pro sighs and agrees.

9 o'clock comes and Bob arrives with right hand clubs, plays a stunning round and whips the pro. "Seriously?" he thinks.

"Well, how about another round?"

"Sure, I can play tomorrow again but still not till 9:00 and I may be 30 minutes late though" says Bob.

Pro is confused. "So, what's the story, left handed, you whip me. Right handed, again you beat me. And what's with the maybe 30 minutes late?"

"Well I wake up in the morning" said Bob "and if the wife is lying on her left side I use left handed clubs. If she's on her right side I use right handed"

"And if she's on her back" asks the pro.

"Then I am going to be 30 minutes late."

Willhound

randy56 said:

“I see some for people I know but I can’t find one for my old friend @Willhound .”
St. Peter then replied, “Oh, we keep his in the backroom and use it as a fan!”

😂😂 yeah @randy56 my fun clock spun its hands off years ago!

randy56

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

GMSLITHO

That’s great before there was any dwi laws back in the late 70’s I worked 2 nd shift in a printing plant in New Jersey there was a pressman there that lived in Long Island ny I asked him once how long it took him to get home he said “about a 6 pack” 

randy56

"I always wanted to be a doctor. I don't know of any other occupation where you can tell a lady to take off her clothes and send the bill to her husband."

Ian

You could always be a TV weather person and get a 6 figure or more salary and be wrong most of the time and still keep your job.

MarkB

A wife asks here husband to walk down the street to get some milk at the local convenience store.

On his way back, he passes the local pub and thinks, heck I have time for a drink.

He goes inside, has a beer and not long after a beautiful woman sits next to him and strikes a conversation.

They get off well, and soon enough she's inviting him back to her place.  They end up doing the dirty.

Husband then realized how late he is getting home, and ask the woman for some baby powder. She hands the bottle to him and he shakes it over his hands and leaves.

When he gets home, his wife is standing there, arms crossed at the door, looking pretty mad. "WHERE have you been?"

He replies, "Honey, I got the milk, and then on my way home I decided to have a beer at the local pub. A beautiful woman sat next to me, and we got along so well, she invited me back to her place and we had sex!"

She stares him up and down for a few seconds and points to the white powder on his hands and says, "Liar! You've been out bowling again haven't you!"

randy56

randy56