Joke of the Day

rasbury

Politics are best left off this forum...just sayin...

Ian

Yeah I agree.

randy56

First one of 2020, this guy is not so smart.

PickleRick

LaRea

Some of this forum's raging debates about diesel vs. gas remind me of this series of Dilbert cartoons.

Handymans342

IRAN has no Wal-Mart's. Only Targets. 

rasbury

That's bad handy...I don't think this will end well for either side...

dalek

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!“. Trump goes on "Six weeks? That’s nothing. I have the best submarines, they‘re underwater for at least three months!“. Merkel is about to respond when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel.“

Handymans342

Another diesel joke again??

dalek

I accidentally filled the escort with diesel. Unfortunately, she died.
(This joke is probably only funny in the UK).

PickleRick

mattie

rasbury

sad part is he probably gets it too...

randy56

Ol’ Bill went to see his doctor for his annual checkup...

In the course of it he asked if would would live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked, “Do you drink or smoke cigars?”
”No,” Bill says.

”Do you gamble? You know, bet on the horses...play cards...that sort of thing?”
Again, “No.”

”Do you spend hours in the cold hunting or fishing?”
”Nope,” he says.

”Do you stay up late carousing with women?”
”Oh gosh no!,” says Bill!

Do you spend all your extra time, money, and effort on your boat?
No, reply's, Bill

Finally the doctor asks, “Then why the heck do you want to live to a hundred?”

Willhound

And even if he doesn't live to be 100 it'll sure seem like it....

Ian

Harry’s woes:

Willhound

Funny. But look like they're coming to Canada and under our laws they're entitled to a security detail paid for by the taxpayers. They get it whether wanted or not because the government doesn't want egg on their face if anything happens.

LaRea

It's the oldest joke in the boating world, but I couldn't find it posted here.  (Somebody will prove me wrong.)

A pirate ship appeared on the horizon. The captain said "First Mate, bring my red shirt!" The shirt was fetched, and the captain successfully lead an attack on the pirates, sinking their ship.

The mate asked the captain "Why do you wear a red shirt in battle?" Replied the captain, "Because if I am wounded, the red cloth will hide my blood, and my men will fight on." The astounded crew took strength from the captain's bravery.

Later, twenty pirate ships appeared on the horizon. The men looked to the captain, waiting for the request that brought everyone so much strength. The captain gazed at the horizon and said, "First Mate, bring my brown pants!"

randy56

Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $3

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

randy56

LaRea

Those kicks were fast as lightning.

Ian

It was a little bit frightening....

Willhound

randy56

I went to the airport to sign up for a skydiving adventure and told the operator I didn't have a parachute. He told me I didn't need a parachute to go skydiving, I only needed one if I wanted to go twice.

My tractor dealer just phoned to remind me I haven't made a payment in six months. I reminded him that when he sold me the tractor he said it would pay for itself.

PickleRick

randy56

Just a test to see if any of you have a since of humor?

Firefighters in Canada responded to a call that a local pub was on fire.

When they get there, there was a man walking out of the burning bar covered in cinder and ash.

As the crew was putting the fire out, the fire chief asked the man if he knew what caused the fire in the pub.

The man said, “No...it was burning like that when I walked in.”

Ian

Good one. In this thread all bets are off I understand.

Willhound

Hah! @randy56 that joke hits so close to home. My family was in the bar business for almost 50 years. (explains a lot about me). I get a call at work one day about 15 years ago that the bar is on fire! I race over there to see fire trucks all around and firemen coming and going. I knew them all since it was a small town mostly volunteer force. Asked one of the guys where my Dad was and he replied "around back". The fire was mostly out but still some hot spots being knocked down in the basement where it started. I walk in a back door to see the bar empty but no fire damage except a lot of smoke and soot. So I pour myself a pint and calmly stand at the bar waiting for Dad to show up. He quietly walks up, pours himself a pint and we stand there in silence sipping our beers. A fireman walks up the stairs and his eyes bug out. "What are you guys doing??!!"
My Dad calmly puts down his beer and says "Just thinking that if you guys weren't so fast and good at your job I'd be retired..."

randy56

Hilarious!

boatman37

Coincidentally, I owned a bar for a few years in the early 90's. Sold it to a guy who turned around and sold it to somebody else a year later. A few months after they bought it. This happened maybe 2 years after I sold it. Funny thing is if it had burned down when I owned it I probably would have got at least twice as much as I sold it for and still owned the liquor license.