Joke of the Day

PickleRick

If my half includes my boats, worth it😅😅😅

GMSLITHO

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. 

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. 

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gal-lons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" 

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." 

The milkman asked, "Do you want it "pasteurized?" 

Wait for it ... 

Wait for it ... 

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tlts ... I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!”

Ian

We all know that can't happen - there's no such thing as a milkman now.

Too funny, that was a good one.  

Handymans342

mattie

mattie

rasbury

Ain't that the truth!

randy56

 I know some of these have been posted before, but some haven't - so get over it... 



I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.

Apparently, RSVP’ ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.

Don’t irritate old people. The older we get the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.

Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought “Their cornbread ain’t done in the middle.”

Aliens probably ride by earth and lock their doors.

“You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did. “

I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

It turns out that being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of....it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

I thought getting old would take longer.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That’s when the fight started.

Me: Sobbing my heart out, “ I can’t see you anymore.....I’m not going to let you hurt me again.”
Trainer: “It was one sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test...same thing.

Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

rasbury

All have me a chuckle I needed...thanks!👍

Ian

Heheheh, some good ones there Randy. Especially the warm toilet seat, that’s one of those weird feelings.....

mattie

Saw this guy on the water today & laughed my a$$ off at the name.....
Then ended up following him home!

GMSLITHO

Husband's and Wife's diaries...... Wife's Diary: Tonight, I thought Bob was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long; and I was a little late for our "date." Conversation wasn't flowing, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late; but he made no comment on it.So I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed,but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I loveyou, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. Husband's Diary: Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

Willhound

No sh!t! 
Same thing. I see blue. My wife sees teal, aqua, seafoam, cerulean, turquoise, sky, cornflower, navy,  etc etc etc.

Ian

I have challenges seeing blue from green and pink from orange. Watermelon, peach, apricot, nectar etc.all look the same. I just finished a 1000 piece puzzle that had a twilight cityscape scene of NYC. Took weeks to do the top part - 4 pieces at a time was a good night.

rasbury

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

Best boat joke ever...

Willhound

Willhound

Hate when this happens! (He now sings soprano...)

rasbury

Oh my...

randy56

randy56

PickleRick

Willhound

Handymans342

Willhound

Your next boat @Handymans342 ??

Handymans342

Willhound said:

Your next boat @Handymans342 ??

Yup and it’s diesel too

reneechris14

Tri plex tranys very complicated to shift. Love the red paint and plenty of low end power.

Lake_Bum

dalek

Handymans342

Good one Dalek

PickleRick